Holy Freakin’ Spider Batman!

Last night, B, S and myself were minding our own business, watching Survivor on TV. B looked across the dark family room and saw a huge spider on the wall just above S’s head. He was smiling, thinking that I was pranking S and waiting for the total freak show that was about to happen… until it MOVED!!!! This spider’s body was the size of a nickel and the leg span was probably about 4-5 inches and it was just inches from her head!!!!

He thought he better warn her, so he pointed out that there was a huge spider right by her head… She jumped off the couch, screaming and B turned on the light, which made the spider a little shy. Spider jumped on the back of the couch to try to hide behind a pillow…..

 No, No, No…. HELL NO!!!!

That sucker was NOT going down the front of my couch and into the pillows and cushions. I grabbed the gallon of Spectracide to try to discourage it’s intended path and it scurried behind the couch….

I sprayed the wall and down the back of the couch… and sprayed, and sprayed….

We decided that we would probably have to burn the couch, unless we actually found this spider, because no way would we EVER be able to sit on it again until it was accounted for.

Meanwhile, S had abandoned us altogether and was hiding in her bedroom.

We carefully scooted the couch out from the wall, which is no simple task since it is L shaped and not a small couch. B grabbed the vacuum and I grabbed a flashlight and operation” Kill Shelob” was underway.

The spider crawled out from under the couch and was sitting on the bottom of the front of the couch. I grabbed the vacuum (with the hose and pole FULLY extended), turned it on, checked to make sure there was adequate suction and put it up to the couch.Imagine my disappointment when I did not hear the “thwuk” noise that I was fully expecting to hear as Shelob was removed from my couch. B thought it would be a good idea to put on some shoes so he could step on it in case it came charging out from under the couch….

We set down the hose, and I laid down on the floor, which required a cheek to the ground to see under the couch with the flashlight. I thought I saw it clinging to the underside of the couch in the back, so I grabbed the Spectracide again and drenched the underside of the couch, expecting to watch Shelob fall to the floor. I admit, that with the adrenalin pumping through my veins right then, that I was going to relish watching it wreathe in pain as it suffocated on the floor under my couch,
…… NOTHING HAPPENED!
 I grabbed the vacuum hose again and extended it out and with shaking hands, stuck it under the couch to knock the spider down.

It was a piece of lint….. NOT was I was hoping for :(

Ok, full panic was setting in now… where they hell did that freakin spider go to? We were looking in the tank on the vacuum… nothing! Several times, we checked under the couch again…. Nothing!

As we were letting the adrenalin settle down and ready to give up and go to bed, with every intention of making Wayne burn the contents of the family room the next day, B set his hand down on the ottoman that we had scooted several feet away from the couch, and well behind where we were laying with our faces on the floor. All of a sudden he screamed and started doing the aracnaphylactic dance (you totally know what I’m talking about don’t you?!) As he flicked his hand in the air, he launched Shelob  into the air and she landed on the other side of the ottoman…. MY side of the ottoman….

Braden screams : ” KILL IT MOM”, I scream back “YOU‘RE THE ONE WITH THE SHOES ON, YOU KILL IT”.

He raised his foot and with a quick jerk of his leg, flung a shoe in my direction. (He had put his toes into S’s shoes, so he couldn’t have stomped anything if he had tried!!) The shoe landed on the floor, right by the spider. Since B was screaming like a girl, and Wayne was upstairs pretending not to notice the fact that Armageddon was going on right below him, I had to man up, grab the shoe and smush Shelob myself.

 I did make Wayne come down stairs to clean up and flush the carnage down the toilet!

I have no idea how Shelob got from the couch to the ottoman, but it had to have been right past Braden and I while we were sprawled out with our faces on the floor….

EW…EWWWW…EWWWWWW…EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!

I feel so violated now when I think of sitting on my couch!

I am going to have to re-think watching Survivor in the future. Not sure if I can handle the jungle coming to life in my family room ever again!