Annual Pity Party

For me, the end of June is the mark of the passing of time.

 It's kind of like how New Year's Day marks the passing of a calendar year, 

only for me it marks a turning point in my life....

June 28, 1993 is the day my dad lost his fight with cancer. 

I have missed my dad every single day for the past 19 years. 

They say that time heals a broken heart... 

They lie!!!!

It never heals. 

Time makes it seem a little less raw as
new friends and more family may come into our lives...

and while those people certainly increase our capacity to love and be loved, 

nothing and no one can fill that void.

Since that day, I have measured time in years with my dad and years without.

In just a few years I will be at that milestone where time has equaled out.

At that point, it will be too sad to continue counting the years without 

because they will be growing greater than the years with. 

I think when that year happens, I will start counting backwards.....

Years without... and years until we meet again.

 If the years until we meet again is getting smaller each year,

 rather than the years without getting bigger, 

then it will feel more like something to look forward to.

June 30th was also my younger sister's birthday. 

She died a couple of years after my dad when she was only 15, so with both of those events so close together, I usually plan my annual meltdown around that time,
so that I can  remember them,

 and feel sorry for myself because I am not WITH them.

This year was particularly hard for me for a couple of reasons:

On my birthday, this year, I will be the same age as my mother was when my dad passed away, leaving her a widow with 4 kids still at home. It has been very sobering to think about how she must have felt to be as young as I feel and have to face life as a single mother without her partner.
(Although when I was in my mid twenties, she sure seemed a lot older than I am now... 

maybe she was just a lot wiser than I am now at that same age, 

and perhaps that's why she seemed so much older to me at the time.)
Whenever I look back at the road my mom was put on, I marvel at her inner strength and the wonderful example she has been to me of just putting on a smile
and plowing through the pain.

The other reason this year's annual meltdown was harder than years past, is because I lost a friend on June 30th. She had an accident with her horse and it was so sudden and unexpected that I am still trying to wrap my head around it.

My friend, Marci, loved the flower, Forget-Me-Not's. Some time ago, she told me to come over and get some plants from her pond to plant in my own pond. One of the things she had me get was the F-M-N's. She kept telling me "take a few more, i don't think you have enough"... after about 10 minutes, I figured out, she didn't really want to share her plants, she just wanted me to come weed her pond...LOL!
Marci lived big.
As I honor her memory, I am trying to be more like her.
Less rigid, less uptight, more fly by seat of your pants.
 I find myself driving with the windows down and my hair blowing in my face
 or eating popsicles without worrying if my tongue turns purple.
I am finally starting to realize that I never know whose time may be limited
and that I need to hug my family a little tighter and a little more often...
and not be so stingy with "I love you".

(The F-M-N's pictured are actually from another dear friend, Mandi...)

So this post probably doesn't make much sense to anyone but me, 

but I find it therapeutic to be able to put my thoughts on paper...

 That way I don't have to try to remember them 

and I can be done with my annual pity party...

at least for another year!