Confessions of an Emotional Hoarder

Today was one of those days when there was a lot of drama in my life.  My hubs and I went out for a bite to eat after work to unwind and sort some of it out…  A dear friend sent me a text message and asked where I was, so I told her. A few minutes later she showed up with a beautiful tulip to show her love and support… what an awesome friend I have!!!

So we all huddled up in the booth to chat, so I could get my weekly dose of my dear friend. (It’s really what helps me get through the week!!)

We started talking about hoarding and she commented that everyone hoards something. She confessed that she hoards craft supplies. As she was saying this, I started taking a mental inventory of everything in my home to try to think of what it is that I hoard.

At first my thought was that if there was ever anything that I can never buy too much of, it would be food storage items. I love the feeling of safety and security I get when I look in the garage and see shelves lined with canned goods and bottled fruit. But as soon as the thought came to me, I realized that I don’t REALLY hoard that since I don’t have an emotional breakdown (like you see on TV) if someone takes a can of chili off the shelf in the garage and eats it when I’m not looking. (Cookies yes, but canned food, no!).

As I thought a little more about the idea that “everyone hoards something”, I wondered what I am so emotionally attached to that it is physically painful for me to let go of.

Then it hit me….

I am an emotional hoarder. I don’t mean this in the sense that I get emotional about material things. I hoard emotions. I have a hard time letting go of emotional baggage. I hoard grudges. I hoard anger.  I hoard spite. I hoard anxiety. I hoard other’s imperfections and shortcomings.  I hoard mental lists of wrongs I feel people have done to me. I hoard all of that negative emotional garbage because it is painful to let go of it and forgive. I have a tendency to want to hang on to those things, to protect myself. My flawed way of thinking is that if I hang on to all those things, then I won’t be vulnerable to letting the acts that caused those emotions, ever hurt me again.

I also hoard positive emotions such as compliments and love and kindness and understanding and forgiveness, by not giving them freely and often to others. There is no reasonable explanation for this. It’s not like, if I generously give those emotions away, that I will ever run out, because I know in my mind that the more I give away, the more reserves I will have to draw from.

What I realized today is this:

By hoarding those negative emotions, we cause ourselves to be hurt over and over by them.  We give too much power to the people that caused them to begin with. If we let them go, sure, we might be vulnerable and we might get hurt again, but in the meantime, we are free from the baggage that weighs us down and holds us back. We are free to fill our emotional storage closets with positive emotions that can help us be more Christ like. We have more space in our lives for love and kindness and understanding and forgiveness.  Our emotional capacity is like the space in our home and if we fill it with unnecessary “stuff” , then there is no space left over for happiness and joy to dwell and we find ourselves out of balance and unable to navigate in a healthy emotional environment.

It is time for an intervention in my life and I am determined to purge my “space” of all the negative thoughts and emotions that I have been hoarding in order to make room for the emotions that will make my life more fulfilling and enjoyable. I am going to try living life with an open heart and that may leave my soul exposed and a little more vulnerable, but I believe that by doing this, there will be more room in my life for joy and happiness!