This would be one of those chapters that I mentioned earlier,
that might be difficult to read and it was certainly difficult to write. This chapter probably could be written many
different ways depending on whose perspective you are seeing it from. Looking
back with the benefit of nearly 30 or so years of experience, this happens to
be my perspective…
Much of my memory of my childhood took place during a time
in my dad’s life when he was making some poor decisions, like drinking and
partying with his friends. It seems like when a person gets caught up in this
cycle, one bad decision leads to another and it becomes an out of control
downward spiral. This led to him making some bad choices that caused a lot of
hurt to the people he loved, especially my mother. I think most of the people
who know my dad, already know that because of his transgressions, he was
ex-communicated from the church. What most people don’t know is that it was his
decision. He sat me down one night when I was a teenager and explained to me
that he had made some mistakes and that in order for him to make things right,
he had asked for this to be the course of action so that he could begin the
process of righting the wrongs he had done. He viewed this not as a punishment,
but an opportunity… and opportunity to start over. That was a big lesson for a
dad to teach a young teenage daughter…. With few exceptions, no matter what you
have done, there is a way to make amends and start over. It was a long process
that took many years for him to be ready to start over and be re-baptized. It
was a long process of forgiveness. He had to get to a point where he was humble
enough to be able to forgive himself before he could have a fresh start.
One Christmas, he came into my room and handed me an invitation
card. He told me to open it. It was an invitation to attend his baptism… on
Valentine’s Day the following year. He asked me what I thought and told me he
intended to give that invitation to my mom for Christmas. What an amazing
gift. We had waited many years for this
day, but the true gift was the man he had become through the process of repentance.
He had learned to control his temper and he had stopped participating in the
destructive behavior and hanging out with friends that chose a different lifestyle
than the one he wanted to live. They were not bad friends by any means, they
were good people and I have many fond memories of our families spending time
together. I think the changes he made in his life earned him a new level of
respect from these friends. He was a changed man, not perfect, but better.
Through this process, it was also an opportunity for those
around him to have the chance to learn and grow and become better people as
they had to find a way to let the Atonement into their lives and be able to
come to a point where they could forgive him for his transgressions and the
hurts that his choices caused those who loved him. Many people rallied around
our family and offered guidance and unconditional love for my dad, and for his
family. It was a hard thing for him to not hang his head in shame, but he set a
great example for us of owning up to your mistakes and the healing power of the
Atonement.
His life has taught me that forgiveness is not a single one
time event. It is a process. How long that process takes is up to the forgiver.
The person who wronged us may not ever ask us forgiveness, but we are required
to forgive anyway. This process involves
us communicating with God and turning over our hurts to Him. The Atonement is
there for us to be able to let go of our hurts and allow mercy to take place,
rather than demanding justice. Consider a balance scale with justice on one
side and mercy on the other. Our task when going through the process of
forgiveness is to try to find a balance between our demand for justice and our
ability to extend mercy to the person that we need to forgive. If our demand
justice becomes too heavy, then it tips the scale and there is not enough mercy
to maintain a good balance. THIS is the process I am referring to. As our
“forgiveness scale” tips up and down, up and down, eventually, with the help of
the Savior, we will be able to balance our scale and THAT is when true
forgiveness happens. This is also true when we need to go through the process
of forgiving ourselves.
When my dad died, I was understandably sad and then when my
sister died 2 years later, that sadness turned to anger. The only person I
could blame and be angry at was God. I don’t believe that God gave my dad cancer,
but I do believe that God could have taken the cancer away and cured Him….. if
it had been God’s will. The same is true
for my sister. I don’t believe that God caused her death, I have arrived at the
understanding that her time on earth was predetermined and that it was simply
her time to go. It has taken me a long
time to find balance with this anger and realize that it wasn’t doing me any
good by feeling this way. It only held me back in my own journey of spiritual
growth.
My whole life I have been quick to anger. Perhaps I learned that from my dad. My dad
figured out how to control that anger and be soft and kind and that is a lesson
I am still trying to process. I can say
that I have learned that it does no good to be angry at God. In order for us to
forgive people who have wronged us, we need to have a conversation with God
about that person and ask God to help us truly forgive that person. If we are angry at God, then calling on God
to help us get over our hurts, is often harder than calling the person who has
wronged us and perhaps even harder than extending mercy. If we want
forgiveness, we have to be willing to offer forgiveness, it is cyclical in
nature. If we are not square with God, then we can’t truly offer forgiveness
and that breaks the cycle so then we also are not able to truly receive
forgiveness.
I now realize that
certain things are foreordained to happen in order to allow us to grow and
develop to our full potential. My dad believed that he knew before he came to
earth, what kind of pain and suffering he would have to pass through while
dealing with cancer. He believed that he agreed to the deal because he saw, in
the pre-existence, how his journey would touch and positively affect the lives
of those around him. I am certain that many people have learned lessons from my
dad’s journey and his example in life and perhaps his life ending so young was
foreordained to help those around him realize certain lessons that they would
not have learned by any other means…. Strawberries!!!
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